Not today, maybe tomorrow, but definitely not today
Last year when it was partially lockdown in Berlin, I was trying to do something “different” throughout the days, as many people did. I was browsing on the internet and found a “berufsbegleitend Studiengangmaster” (extra-occupational master program) at Beuth Hochschule. It is also the same major as I had for my bachelor's — Medieninformatik (Informatics for Media). Without hesitation and thinking further, I collected necessary documents at home that I needed to apply. I had everything, so I applied and got accepted. When I got accepted — it got me thinking to retrospect in my younger age when my mom asked me where I wanted to study after high school— without hesitation, I said Germany x) — I left my home country when I was 18th to a foreign City, named Berlin. I think it’s kind of ingrained inside of me to do it first and think about the consequences later — but afterward, I found out while doing it — it’s not definitely as easy/comfortable/do-able as it sounded :D To be honest, it could be good and less good too. Trust me, I try to keep balance :) But at least, my audacity has brought me here to stand until today and I am not sorry for that.
I had “Kurzarbeit” for a year that made me work only 80% of capacity. So, last Wintersemester I took my first 4 courses in my master's program. I don't know how I did it, but I passed it all. Oh, crying, mental breakdown, and questioning “Why am I doing this to myself?”. But did I Stop? No. I kept going and this Sommersemester I took another 3 courses. But this time was more challenging. At the same time, I also changed my job responsibility which required me to learn new things, tools, analysis — and many transfer knowledge has happened between me and my colleague, as he would leave the company soon. I felt overwhelmed — I didn’t have time to do other personal matters. I woke up at 7.30am and did my study/assignments/paper, continued to work until 18, had break for 1–2 hr, and did again my uni stuffs. Do I regret doing that? No. Do I want to do it again? Yes — but maybe not too intense like I did in the past.
Whenever I wanted to give up, I always said to myself — not today, maybe tomorrow, just a little bit more, but definitely not today. Every day I kept saying the same thing. I cried, I smiled, I cried again, I picked things up again. I always tried to give a buffer to enjoy my Saturday evenings and Sunday evenings. Those are my “me time”. I juggled hard to keep my weeks balanced. I tried to allow myself a reward after I did small progress at work or uni. Sometimes I ordered favorite food that I like, enjoyed my instant noodles, watched a movie that I liked, or bought new plants :D
At work — in June 2021, I changed my job from an Agile tester to a product owner. It was quite a process when I had the switch. And it was not an easy road either. I think most of the people around me knew that I had been interested in a product ownership role. I had the idea of it and took initiative to learn theoretically and practically since mid-2019. And now I am in it, I have been enjoying it a lot and am still learning many things. I am so lucky to get support from my colleagues and also company, while I also do my master’s. I still believe — Everything is possible if you want it, time allows it, and you have the energy to do it. Sometimes, there are things that you can’t control and that’s okay. In this writing, I also want to remind myself, in the future if I see obstacles — you did your best, your intention is good, and most importantly, please please please be kind to yourself.
This is what I did after I completed this semester, as a thank you to myself: I booked a home massage, cleaning service at my place, went to Greece for vacation without my laptop!! (I was on the screen non-stop everyday for the last 3 months!), bought a new perfume that I really liked, and completed my 2nd dose of vaccination. Whenever you finish something, reward youself, even just little things! Be kind to yourself, you deserve it because you rocked it! (Oh — and surprisingly, I got a score for my paper 1.7 — whereas I thought it would be a 3 or something. wooohoo!! Definitely I am bragging here x) )
The past 3–4 months were hard too — I felt or I do feel homesick, this is the longest time I haven’t seen my family, for almost 1,5 years. I miss my mom, my family, especially my mom. I worried so much about what has been going on in my home country, vaccination was/is slow, many people that I know got corona. Thankfully, all of my adult family members have been vaccinated and healthy until today. This kind of worry and absence bothered me a lot. It’s hard to contain your feelings when you are away and hopeless. However, we keep in touch every day, still, it was/is not enough.
In this writing, I also want to thank my friends, colleagues, family, partner who has been so understanding and supporting my choice. I have nothing to say but how grateful I am to know such beautiful souls around me. My progress either as a product owner or master's graduate is still so long. But I am enjoying the process and I am aware of my decision. And I am happy that I am doing something that I want and I like! Is it going to be hard? Of course. Will I cry and feel down? Definitely. Will I pick myself up again? Always, no matter what.
